The Greatest Love, The Deepest Unraveling

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When Motherhood Breaks You Open

This morning at drop-off, my almost three-year-old clung to me like a little koala bear. His arms wrapped tight around my neck, his face buried in my shoulder, his tiny voice whispering, “Don’t go, Mommy.”

And here’s the truth: part of me absolutely melts when he does this. I love the affection, the need, the feeling of being his safe place. But the other part of me knows I have to let go. He has to let go. Because even though he loves his day home, his friends, the crafts, the songs, the snacks, he still wants me to stay. And even though I am not working right now, even though I am on stress leave, I know I need these hours. I need the space to breathe, to try to piece myself back together.

And yet, cue the mom guilt. Because there is always that whisper: If you are not working, shouldn’t you just keep him home? Shouldn’t you be soaking up every moment? But here I am, handing him over, kissing his forehead, walking away with tears prickling at my eyes and a lump in my throat, trying to remind myself that needing time does not make me a bad mom.

So, hey. I am back. A lot has changed since the last time I wrote here. My life has flipped upside down, sideways, and back again. Some days I barely recognize the girl who used to sit down and type out her thoughts here. Other days, I feel like I have circled right back to her, only with a few more scars, a baby on my hip, and a great deal more perspective.

And before I go any further, I need to say this: I have been struggling with postpartum since day one. Not just the sleepless nights or the shock of new motherhood, but the deeper, quieter struggles that nobody really prepares you for. The ones people do not talk about enough. Postpartum is not something that fades after a few weeks; for me, it has been woven into every part of this journey, and it is far too often overlooked.

When I became pregnant, everything shifted. It was not the move back to Alberta itself that broke me open, it was the reality of stepping into motherhood without the kind of support I had always imagined. Back in New Brunswick, I would have had parents just a phone call away. Someone to swoop in so I could shower. Friends who would drop by without hesitation, sit with me while I nursed, and remind me that greasy hair, stained clothes, and a messy kitchen were all part of the season.

Here, it was different. I did have a few close people, and I am grateful for them, but they were also in the thick of it themselves. They had babies, toddlers, older kids. Their plates were full too. So while I was not completely without support, it was not the same as home. It was not the kind of “tribe” where people just show up, fold your laundry, or slip a hot meal into your fridge without asking.

And then came Easton. My sweet boy, who also happened to be colicky. Very colicky. To this day, my doctor still shakes her head and says he was the most colicky baby she has ever met. He cried constantly, the kind of crying that demanded to be held every waking, and sleeping, moment. There was no setting him down so I could grab a shower or reheat a cup of coffee. He needed me, always. And I gave him everything I had, even when it felt like there was nothing left.

Mike did what he could, sometimes getting up in the night just to poke his head in and ask if I needed anything. But he was teaching full-time, coaching mornings and evenings, often gone from dawn until after dark. Just a month after Easton was born, he had to travel to Edmonton with his team. Those stretches without him felt impossibly long. And when he was home, I could see how drained he was. As much as I wanted to hand Easton over, I usually didn’t. Because babies feel what we feel. And what Easton needed was calm, steady arms, not the tension that came after a long day at work. So I kept holding him, even when my arms ached and my heart felt heavier than I could carry.

And then there was the witching hour. If colic is hard, witching hour is colic turned up to eleven. We learned quickly: you could not sit down. You just stood, rocked, paced, repeated, for hours. Night after night, until eventually the crying eased, or one of us broke, or morning finally came. It did get better, eventually. But those months felt like an eternity, stretched thin inside four walls, wishing desperately for the kind of support I knew I would have if we were back home.

The months passed, and somehow eleven of them disappeared in a blur. Just as I started to find my footing as a mom, it was ripped out from under me: maternity leave was over. The world expected me to hand my baby to a stranger and return to a desk, as if nothing had changed, as if my whole universe had not been redefined.

I was devastated. Completely undone. I cried endlessly. I was not ready, I do not think I will ever be ready. That was my breaking point. It was not just about being lonely anymore, or grieving the motherhood I thought I would have surrounded by family and familiarity. Now I had to grieve leaving my baby for nine hours a day so someone else could care for him while I sat in front of a computer.

And I hated it. I hated society. I hated the women who had burned their bras for “rights” that somehow left me feeling like my right to be with my child had been stolen. I was angry, furious, that my only choice was to swallow the pain and pretend this was normal.

Everyone around me had the same lines: “This is just the way it is.” “We all have to do it.” “It gets better.” But those words did not help, they made me feel more unseen. More misunderstood. More enraged.

Because this was not just sadness. The grief hit me in my body. My chest would tighten, my heart would pound so hard it hurt, and sometimes it was hard to even breathe. It did not feel right. None of it did. But I felt trapped. We needed the income. And in this world, there is no space for someone’s emotional health or sanity when there are bills to pay.

Going back to work felt like stepping into a different life. There were friendly faces on Zoom and colleagues I had grown to call friends, mostly in Ontario, who were kind and welcoming in that pixelated, post-pandemic way. That warmed me for a minute. But company changes had happened while I was gone and I did not adapt well. What used to be me, the sales shark who put in extra hours and lived for the numbers, felt distant. Nights were still broken by feeds. I was up before the sun, and all day I watched the clock, waiting to get back to Easton. My metrics slipped. I stopped making the money I used to. And honestly, I did not care. All I wanted was to get the day over so I could hold my boy.

When the mass layoff came, part of me breathed. It felt like a strange, guilty relief, finally some space to try and find myself again, to live a little on my terms with Easton while I looked for something new. But job hunting is its own kind of torture. I found myself dropping him at day home to spend hours applying for roles, only to get silence or rejection after rejection. Months went by where jobs I knew I was qualified for never even bothered to call. It beat me down. My ego cracked. The confidence I used to carry into meetings was gone.

I eventually found something and went back. But the months of being overlooked had already done their damage. I lasted about six months before I basically started tearing up all the time. I could not get through a day without crying or having a panic attack. Simple questions like “how are you?” felt impossible. My manager would ask for one good thing each week and I could rarely think of anything without holding back tears. I was trying, so hard, but I was frozen more than I was productive. I would sit, stare into the abyss, and feel swallowed by catastrophic thoughts that made me wonder if I was losing my mind.

By the time our annual family vacation to New Brunswick came around, I was desperate. I needed my family and friends in a way I cannot even put into words. But even that became a battle. I had to go through three different people at work just to get approval to go home. To plead my case for the chance to see my family. And that was the final crack, the realization that I was so broken, yet still had to ask permission from a company to simply be with the people who ground me.

I finally got the approval, went home, and found the perspectives I needed from the people who love me most. That is when I took stress leave. My employer did not push back, probably because it was not their problem if I was not being paid. But then came the insurance company.

The first call was brutal. What I thought would be questions about my ability to perform at work turned quickly into questions about how I care for my son. I made the mistake of sharing that I was in Toronto with Mike for his national hockey tournament, not because it was a vacation, but because in the darkness I needed to be with him. Still, they grilled me. Their tone, their assumptions, their line of questioning, it felt less like an interview and more like an interrogation. I hung up sobbing, terrified that if I said the wrong thing, Child Protective Services would show up at my door.

A week later, another case worker called. Same questions. Same heaviness. Same sobbing. And then, the call that broke me all over again: “Your claim has been denied.” When I asked why, the first words out of her mouth cut me to my core, she basically said to me: “If you can be a mother and raise your child, we believe you can work.”

I lost it. Rage poured out of me. Did they want me to be an unfit mother? Did they want me to neglect my son just to prove how bad things had gotten? I had been clear from the beginning: Easton is my priority, always. His well-being comes before everything, including work. But they twisted my words to fit their narrative, ignoring my doctor’s diagnosis, generalized anxiety disorder and depression, with catastrophic thinking and inability to focus or complete tasks.

And the part that still haunts me? They would never have asked a man those questions. Not once.

Instead of being given the space to heal, I was denied, judged, and left spiraling deeper into depression. And now, while I am technically on stress leave, the reality is I am making no money. Instead of focusing on recovery, I have a new layer of stress pressing down on me, finances.

And that brings me here. To mornings like today, standing at the door of the day home with Easton wrapped around me like a koala, begging me not to go. His grip tight around my shoulders, my heart breaking in two.

The irony is not lost on me: I am not even working right now. I am on stress leave, and yet I am still dropping him off. Part of me feels guilty as hell for it. What kind of mother leaves her child when she technically could be home with him? That voice in my head hisses, “You are selfish. You are weak. You are not enough.”

But there is another voice I am learning to listen to, the one that says, You need this time. You need space to breathe, to gather yourself, to remember who you are outside of being “Mom.” And maybe that does not make me a bad mother at all. Maybe it makes me a human one.

Life has changed so much since the last time I wrote here. Some days I still grieve what I thought motherhood would look like, being surrounded by family, having that unshakable tribe. Some days I still feel the anger at systems that fail women again and again. And some days, like today, I just feel the ache of letting go of my little boy’s arms so I can try to hold myself up for a few hours.

I do not have all the answers. I do not have a neat bow to tie on this story. What I have is this: honesty. The truth that motherhood has been both the greatest love and the deepest unraveling of my life. And the hope that in giving myself a little room to heal, I can eventually come back to both, my son and myself, whole.

Closing it out…

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading my heart. If you have ever felt the same grief, the same rage, or the same exhaustion, please know you are not alone. Maybe this is not a story with a tidy ending, but maybe that is okay. Maybe the point is that we are still here, still loving, still fighting to breathe.

This is just an overview of what I have been through over the past three years. I know so many people can relate and need a space like this to find common ground. I want to go deeper in future posts, into specific moments, feelings, and events, and also into my healing journey.

Because at the heart of this, I want to shine a light on postpartum, how it lingers, how it changes us, and how often it is overlooked.

And if you ever need to chat or just want someone who understands to listen, please feel free to reach out. 💛

Dear 2017, Thank you.

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This time last year I made a list of things I wanted to achieve in 2017. I wrote down health and fitness goals, I wrote down education goals and I wrote down career goals.

I am so proud to look back and see the entire list has been crossed off and much more has been accomplished!

Nearly 3 years ago I packed up my life in New Brunswick. With my little truck and my trusty kitty cat companions once again we made the move to the land of oil and money.  The thing I wasn’t expecting was a full-blown recession to welcome me back. My last experience with Alberta was in my early 20’s when I moved here to cash in on the economic boom that had many Easterners packing up their lives on the wave crashed coast for the fortune and opportunity of the Mountains and Plains of the West.

I was waitressing in Calgary back then and raking in the cash that flowed like it was nothing to students, business men and service industry alike! I rarely had a shift where I went home with less than $250 cash in my pocket and often found paychecks in the bottom of my purse months later I really had forgotten about… Imagine that?! Well, this time around it has been the complete opposite experience.

My first year back in Calgary was hard, I had a roommate for the first time in many years, I was single and I was BROKE. Now into my 30’s, I couldn’t nor did I want to do the late night shifts of the waitressing life. I found a few day time waitressing gigs but as the economy continued to suffer so did I. Lunch tips had a cap now on business accounts and they were not very generous. Spending accounts were being cut in half and business lunches were becoming fewer and fewer, meaning scheduled shifts for me were also being cancelled on a daily basis. The trickle effect of this recession was real. I looked for other jobs, I advertised my photography, and I sold everything that was worth anything to keep myself a float.

Something had to change. But what?

September 2016, now a year after my move, my roommate decided she was going to move to Toronto to pursue her Clothing Line she was designing. This was good timing for me as my new boyfriend was also planning to move to Calgary from Saint John so I had a quick transition to living with him. Also, somehow my roommate convinced me to take over her job she had just begun, as a NANNY. I never in my life would think that would be something I would ever consider, but with the economy in a downward spiral and me HATING waitressing as well as it being so unstable… why not?

Fast forward to January 2018. I am well into my second year with the nanny job and have truly been welcomed into a family that I may have never known had it not been for the leap in faith of a 20-year-old ditching me to chase her dreams in Toronto! I love the girls I nanny like they are my own, in fact people get very confused when I talk about them, “you have kids?“ they often ask puzzled, as I refer to the girls as my oldest and youngest in conversation. Funny how it all came together so perfectly for this time in my life. Not yet in the position for kids of my own but still filling that void for the time being.

Another big part of 2017 was my education.

As I have mentioned in previous blogs, fitness is a HUGE part of my life. So, I took it to the next level. I sought out a Personal Training program that spoke to me on a larger scale than the typical CanFit certification. I discovered this small (but growing) business called Fit Chicks out of Ontario. I talked with them on the phone one night and I was convinced enough that the next day I went to the bank and asked for an extension on my already overdrawn AMEX. The bank saw my passion and allowed for it so I could pay for the course that day. Fast forward 6 months, a ton of work and frustration and there I was a certified Personal Trainer! The course also labels you as a nutrition specialist, but I don’t personally feel I gained enough knowledge from this course to advertise that. Yet.

So as that course completed and my certification was in the mail I started college, yup college. Again, with lots of research I decided on jumping face first into the world of Holistic Nutrition. I thought I knew a lot already, but man oh man was I wrong. I was prepared to work, to study and to even give up gym time. However, can we ever truly prepare ourselves for going into the unknown? I would say not, but I can honestly say I have put every ounce of my strength and energy and brain power into this course. I want to succeed so badly, mediocre isn’t even an option. Who would want to hire a mediocre Nutritionist anyway? I want to be so proud of my CHN title that I slap it on EVERYTHING! Tattoo anyone?? Kidding 😉

I am now nearly half way through this new nutritional journey, which has unexpectedly taught me a ton about myself and has me slowly converting over to a holistic lifestyle. I am sure I am also driving my boyfriend, family and friend’s crazy with my new knowledge. Please tell me you aren’t going to eat THAT?! Is that a natural product? You are going to breast feed, right?……

Sorry, not sorry.

Another interesting part of 2017 was the launch of my new brand, co-founded by my boyfriend Matthew Hellingwerf.

East West.

For those in between.

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This was an idea I came up with when I first move to Calgary, still single and trying to find my place. I was home sick, but I was also happy to be back in the city. This made me realize there are probably a ton of people just like me that are “home away from home”. So, came the idea, a brand to represent all of those people who are somewhere in between, not quite home but home for now. I wanted to represent them, us, me.

I let the idea sit in my head for nearly a year, then as I kidnapped Matt from the East Coast and drove across Canada to bring him to his new home on the West I told him about it. He loved it, and I have to give him credit for making the idea a reality. So here it is, East West. The brand for the nomads and all those in between. For those who miss their homes but need to be somewhere else for the moment. We get you.

Check the link for shopping, like us on Instagram @eastwest2017 and Facebook http://m.facebook.com/eastwestapparel.ca/ too 😉 Share the love!

www.eastwestapparel.ca

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I also mentioned my health and fitness goals. Yes, this year has been ground breaking in those. The biggest part was realizing that I was doing more harm than good. I was over training, and under knowledgeable on my nutritional needs. Therefor sabotaging myself and any progression I should have been making. The funny thing is, I figured this all out by accident.

Like I mentioned earlier, school has taken over my life which has led to WAY less gym. You would think that would result in weight gain and laziness, however it changed everything. My body is having more time to heal and look after itself. I am feeding it well (minus Christmas, let’s just pretend that didn’t happen, whoops) and I am exercising when I have the time, being sure to break a good sweat at least 3 times a week. A big change from my “rest is for the weak days” hey?

I have learnt to listen to my body, and connect it to my mind. I need to do well in school, I need to stay healthy, and I need to be happy.

I am not happy when I am running around like a mad woman. Ok, I actually I thrive in chaos, BUT when it gets to a point that I am DEPRESSED because I can’t do it all… that’s a problem. I actually see it as an illness. My mental health was fading because I was trying to be and do too much! So, I slowed down. I prioritized school, and focused on eating well, drinking lots of H2O and making sure my supplements were ones that would help support my mental being and energy. Guess what happened, I lost nearly 20 lbs. Yes, a few pounds were probably muscle however my clothes from 3 years ago fit again. That was huge, let me explain why. Matt has tried to get me to empty my closet many times since living together as he had never actually seen me wear 3/4 of the clothes I had hanging, collecting dust (besides in photos I plastered all over my feeds in those days…#sjsmosteligible ring a bell?…oh boy lol). I don’t expect a guy to understand my reasons for holding onto them, but I explained anyway. Those clothes represented a good time in my life, I time when I was at my fitness peak, my independent high, and the happiest I had ever been. Those clothes made me want to work hard for that happiness again, and I knew with that happiness would come fitness which means voila! THEY FIT!

**Insert happy jumping on the bed dance, wearing a leather skirt I couldn’t get over my thighs a few months ago paired with a bikini top, HERE 😉 **

So that being said with this new freedom and the knowledge I am gaining through my educational pursuits and the ever-growing new circles of like-minded, driven and positive friends, happiness is coming back. It’s not quite at its peak, but it will be… soon.

So, 2018 is the year of happiness.

The year of nurturing positive relationships and sorting through the toxic people, things and even places in my life.

And so, 2018…. BRING IT ON.

Oh, another little accomplishment for 2017 to pat myself on the back… I ran my first Half Marathon! Beating my goal time but 15 minutes! Whoop! Never mind I couldn’t walk for a week afterwards, ugh. Runner problems…

Thanks for taking the time to look back on my 2017 with me.

I hope you also set goals, checked things off, and grew.

Happy New Year to You!

xoxo

B

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Optimistically Me

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Well… For the first time in a long time I am feeling home sick.

My nephew just celebrated his 4th Birthday over the weekend back home and it took everything in me not to have a little cry fest to myself over missing him. The feeling has carried into my work week now and though I know I will shake it off, for right now the feeling is real and it is painful.

 

Thinking about everything and everyone I have back home is rough. From time to time I almost give into myself and say “fuck it, I’m going home”. But honestly that is a short term fix. If only home wasn’t so far away.

 

I came West for change, however I am struggling to try to bring back identical old routines from Saint John that for some reason I feel I need. Simple ones like a gym schedule or groceries. But with traffic and parking and work hours it all seems impossible.

 

Impossible.

 

I hate that word. Why is anything IMPOSSIBLE? It isn’t. You just need to find a way. One thing I am very good at is problem solving. So everyday I try to work out some sort of plan that gets me where I need to be by days end. If that means bringing gym clothes to work and going to that gym I HATE after work instead of my comfort zone gym, so be it. Am I going to bitch and complain and hate my life the entire time I am there. HELL NO! I am going to use that energy and throw some weights around! Turn that negative into a positive and guess what I get from all that? RESULTS.

 

After observing others recently I have come to realize that I am a straight up “Doer”. I don’t give up when there is a job to do. No matter how tired, hungry…HANGRY or fed up I may be. I get shit done and I do it RIGHT. It only fuels me more when others around me are doing the opposite and not pulling their weight.

I was raised tough. If I was asked to do something you best believe it was happening right now and then, and if I complained or whined… Lord help me! When I was finished if the task was incomplete or not up to my parents standards, you know I was doing it again and likely I was in trouble.

 

“DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME OR DON’T DO IT AT ALL”…. Of course the second part of that threat was not an actual option.

 

My point is, life is hard. Life has struggles and pain and responsibility. All of which can be very unwelcomed. However, they all pass. Responsibilities will always remain, but generally they will morph into something a little different here and there to keep you on your toes. I think this is good. As for the struggles and pain, it is all just energy. It is your choice how you will direct it.

 

Optimistically speaking, things always get better in some way or another. I like to channel my negatives into strength and courage to get results. Why stay stationary in a unresulting state? I am continuously determined for results.

 

Do something about your unhappiness. No one else can do it for you as much as they may try. You need to CHOOSE to be happy,it is the only way to be successful in your path and wear a true to you smile.

 

I miss my friends, yes… However I stay in touch and send my love daily. I also nurture my friendships here. Maintaining worldwide friends! More friends = more love and endless support systems!

**Side note** try not to spend to much time nurturing a person who doesn’t give it back… It only brings you down… Trust me. You can love them forever from a far but don’t waste energy that others deserve from you.

 

I miss my family, yes… This one digs deep, but I know that my happiness makes them happy so my gift to them is to be the best I can be. And that has to be here right now.

 

I miss my routine!! Yes!!… I’m blaming my failures here on not having my old SJ routine, all because I think I was doing better home. FALSE. Work harder and find new ways to succeed.

 

Ok. Chin up Becca. You are doing fine. You aren’t missing anything, because you are where you are suppose to be. You are making choices for a better future that will bring all the above back together again and make you whole!

 

Be amazing everyone. Be optimistic! Be positive and let life direct you in the direction you belong. Take the curves with the zigs and the zags and the hills with the valleys. All building blocks of strength, wisdom and happiness.

 

I’ve got your back, please also have mine.

 

Xoxo

B

 

Not all who wander are lost…. My roadmap to life.

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Life is something else isn’t it?

One morning you can wake up ready to take on the day, happy, excited and confident. Another you can wake up feeling sad, lonely and depressed. What happens in our heads from the time they hit the pillow to the time our alarm clock rings?

I have these days, especially where I am alone. Sometimes I wake up and roll over and stretch the entire space of my empty bed with a big grin on my face… other times I roll over and think, damn I wish I had someone to cuddle right now. And there you go, sets the mood for your entire day.

Both moods motivate me. Each one tells me to get shit rolling! It’s either “you are fierce independent woman hear you roar!” Or… “You need to find yourself to be willing to share your life with another.” Either way I am focused on my personal growth.

For me being single has been a blessing. I may have done things backwards from the traditional sense, and I know that bothers people. However, reminding me that I am 31 and telling me it is time to get married is just plain silly. Would you like me to roll on down to the local Canadian Tire and pick a tall handsome handy man off a shelf, buy a ring and sign a piece of paper? Don’t you think if life was designed that way it would be HELLA boring?! Thank goodness we have to actually meet and date people or else you would be digging for that lost receipt real fast!… No returns, just store credit.. wompwomp.

How about I keep doing it my way, and I will keep you posted on the duds and the hopefuls that come my way 😉

So obviously this comment was thrown at me to wake up to this morning. I happened to glance at my phone when I woke up at 5am and it set me up for frustration and anger right away. It also came from someone I didn’t expect it from which made me throw my guard up as well. I am pretty bad for that. I trust everyone, so generally as a rule of thumb I get hurt once and a while.

I’m not mad at them, I’m mad at society for making them think this way. We have evolved so much over the short time humans have been on this earth, and we are still evolving! Not so long ago husbands were expected to be the bread winners and wives expected to look after the family and home. This clearly didn’t work for some of my fellow women so they burnt their pretty little bras and got out there! YOU GO GIRLS!

So why is there still this expectation of traditional ways?

I came to Calgary hoping to escape some of that negativity and pressure a small town holds. It is refreshing to be around people who are goal orientated to THEIR dreams not the societal expectations.

Before I even go on, if you are back in NB or any small town and are reading this with a baby on your lap and a pretty ring on your finger, I am NOT attacking you or putting down your lifestyle or choices or trying to be negative in any way. If you are happy, I am thrilled your life has been so good to you and YOUR dreams! Some of us just have a crumpled road map that lead us into unexpected adventures off the beaten trail… and don’t get me wrong, we all want what you have. Eventually.

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The roadmap…

Always sitting on the seat beside me, telling me where I SHOULD go however it isn’t telling me that there is construction a mile ahead that will take me on a detour, nor does it tell me that old rest stop actually is now abandoned so I may just run out of gas and have to pee in the woods. Nope, it keeps me on my toes and keeps me rolling. Still looking ahead just with a little more looking around and exploring to be had. If there is a destination, I will get there eventually don’t worry 😉

So that’s that really. Everyone has a different path and some of us have better navigation skills then others. Your fancy GPS is way ahead of my coffee and whiskey stained map (that i’ll never be able to fold back to its original fold). But, that is OK with me. I’m happy, I’m healthy and I am living MY life the way it is supposed to be lived, and I know you are just KILLING yours! So I will be here when you need to escape and grab a shot of Jack or two, and I hope you will be there when I don’t know how to fold a cloth diaper or calm a crying man cold husband 😉

So rock on Wayne… and Party on Garth,

One life isn’t enough so make the best of it they way you want it to be!

xoxo

B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forever and Always

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I am a massive believer that everything happens for a reason.

If you have ever had a conversation with me I am sure it has come up once or twice.

You see, with everything that goes on in the world you kinda have to look for a light at the end of the tunnel. It took me years to figure it out, and the years brought me through a lot of pain, heartbreak, arguments, tears and even silence. But with the silence came wisdom and with the pain came experience. Even though it hurt badly in the moment I wouldn’t change most of it for the world.

Prime example, and to get a little bit personal…

My parents divorce.

At the ripe ol’ age of 13 my rents decided to call it quits. I can remember the evening they told us as clear as day and can bring myself to that exact emotional place no problem. It was a massive turning point in my life, and theirs.

Obviously no family break  up is a walk in the park, it was painful and numbing and everything you expect to feel when your entire life is turn upside down. It didn’t help that I was at the prime age for self destruction, and creating desperate attempts for attention was my thing. So I turned to many outlets to channel my anger, fear, resentment etc… and I made a ton of mistakes along the way. I am damn sure I almost gave my parents a million heart attacks (sorry guys xo) but the thing is, I have zero regrets. All those bad decisions led me to the path I am on today. For those of you who have travelled along with me and held on for dear life, THANK YOU… Your strength and encouragement helped me get through the storm.

As much as teenage Becca made it seem like the world revolved around her, It wasn’t just my path that was changing. My parents were starting over too. Eventually they went on to find new loves and even remarried. This was a bumpy road as a teenager but now as an adult I couldn’t be happier with the outcome. I have gained so much more then I’ve lost. My family has grown in ways that have blessed me with 2 new sisters, and 3 brothers! Which now has multiplied to include 11 nieces and nephews from both my blood siblings as well as my newbie/not so newbie step sibs! Not to mention the step parents I have been given, who have taken my brothers and I on as their own and I know will love us until the world ends. Each of them, in their own ways have bent over backwards for us kids and with double the parents means double the support. How lucky can we be?

With that being brought to light, I encourage you to embrace the hardships, live through the pain and take it all in, because you never know what will come from behind the dark clouds when they finally clear.

My family is always MY family, and moments like this one below will always be cherished BUT I wouldn’t want anything different xoxo

Full family pic goals 2016? Finlay/Hines?

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So… moving on.

My entire thought process on this post was made while thinking about my friends back home. Especially the MANY I have made in the last year. You see, I am a collector of people, all the people. If you have ever made me laugh chances are I have kept you in my back pocket 😉

This past year, well almost three years really, have been years of tremendous growth for me. I have reconnected with friends and family from my past, strengthened the bonds with the ones I have carried with me all along and made new relationships with people who have just entered my world. I am so grateful for every single one of you. Each one of your smiles and hugs make my life a million times better and worth living!

I don’t care where you come from, what mistakes you have made, or what trials you face. I care about you. I care about your story , I care about your fears, I care about what makes you happy, sad, angry or even silly.

Sometimes I even care when you clearly don’t.

That can hurt obviously, but within every moment is a life lesson. You were put there for a reason, whether it be a little wee one or part of a bigger picture. Your presence in my life is important on some level and I embrace that. No matter what, I really REALLY want you all to BE HAPPY.

Shit happens, there is nothing you can do about it. You make the choices you make and you live with it. Usually there are no take backs. So take from the moments, move on! Learn! Experience! Be the best human being you can be! If you hurt someone, try to make it right. If you love someone, let them know! If you see passion in someone make sure they are being fuelled with support they deserve.

Hold on to the positive in your life.

You aren’t better then anyone else, and vice versa. We are all phenomenal, we all have hopes and dreams and EVERYONE needs support.It takes more energy to knock someone down then to help them back up 🙂

Share your smile with the world, a stranger may need it more then you think.

xoxo

B

 

 

 

#IamB

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“Look at this stuff, Isn’t it neat?

Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she’s got everything
I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I’ve got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal…I want more…”

Ariel said it best…..

Looking around me at the trinkets and the throw pillows and the closet full of clothes, I have a lot of stuff. Even after purging my entire life in NB I still have so much. My collection just keeps growing! I love my things, everything has its story on how it came to be mine, it may not be a grand story but it is a little tiny piece of my life.

Such an array!  My style is colourful and fresh and textured and curved. I love to have patterns and textures together especially. I think they make me feel calm, though it may drive the more OCD type a little wacko… but hey, I think my life in general could do that to them 😉

I am a creative mind, all of these little things in life keep my head going. Ideas pop up from seeing a crack in the pavement, or just now looking over and seeing the shadow my stilettos from last night are casting across the dark hardwood floors. What a great photo… I’m going to go snap that and be right back 😉

Love it.

See how easily distracted I am, A.D.D is the one to blame, so I have been told.

I was furious with myself when I found out I had A.D.D, I felt that it ruined my life. I thought back to my school years and saw it clear as day, all the day dreaming, doodling and writing I did (not at appropriate writing times, more like math class LOL…) it stood in the way of me being someone completely different! I could have got my shit together and gone to Uni… got a degree, a steady career and lived happily ever after with my perfect little diploma hanging on my perfect wall.

Ha! So not me.

Instead I wondered aimlessly around Canada moving place to place. Picked up and backpacked Australia as well as some of South America, slinging cocktails and beer for mega tips $$$ A little more exciting then spending 4 plus years in an institution that took all my money away from me. Right?

Maybe, but would I still be me if I hadn’t taken that route? Would I still see light and shadows and colours the same way as I do now? I don’t think I would. I admit I did go to school. I took Travel and Hospitality for a year..wee a diploma! That was a waste of time. Then I took Photography for another year..and gee wow got ANOTHER diploma. I have zero idea where either of those are now. Certainly not hanging on my wall.

All that being said, my life is what I have made it. I really like the person I am and I shouldn’t be ashamed of any part of me, like the fact I thrive in chaos, so guess what… I am MESSY. My life moves so quickly I simply don’t have time to always keep things in their “place”. Why should things have a place anyway? As long as I know where that item is it’s all good 😉

I feel my OCD friends cringing.

So, that went in a totally different direction then I was going for this post. What I was aiming for was to say your things don’t define you. The experiences you had while attaining them does. My photo here, the mirror, reflects a perfect bubble of my personality. I just happened to look down while I was rearranging some things in my room and I saw the reflection in the mirror and the surrounding items. The mirror has a huge story of its own. Given to me by my mother about 10 years ago, who bought it from her sister in law. It hung in my apartments in Moncton, Halifax, Fredericton and Saint john even when I lived home for a few months it hung in my childhood bedroom. It isn’t the same mirror it was then… it has had a facelift, my sister in laws sister took it from me and gave it new life. Took off the old frame and made the new rustic wood one and now it waits to be hung in yet another province and city. I will probably hold on to that mirror for life, not because it is pretty and fashionable, but because it carries a lot of my life story in its reflection.

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All the pillows and blankets and paintings may not have such an evolved story but they say a lot for who I am. The colours and textures and patterns giving away my easy breezy, adventure seeking, daydreaming soul I am. It may be much for some, but it is me.

Love me or hate me, #IamB

xoxo

B

 

 

Power

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I went for my first run in Calgary today, I was nervous starting off because I hadn’t attempted it yet. I have done a lot of reading on the change in altitude and how it can effect our health, it’s no Lima but being in the mountain range definitely has its effect on your body. As nervous as I was though, I was nearly jumping out of my skin with excitement!

I started slow, walked up to the trails on the Bow briskly to get my heart rate up and as soon as I stepped foot onto the trails uneven concrete, BAM! It was like a shot of energy ran through my body. I had a stupid grin on my face and I had zero problem with keeping pace just like I did back home. I was confident and feeling kind of bad ass really… My fears of not being able to meet my own standards were gone and I was on cloud nine.

I don’t even know how I started running. I was never a fit kid or a fit young adult, I didn’t really play sports and I knew nothing about anything fitness related at all. I don’t remember the day I started or if it was even a struggle. I just know that now, I am a runner. I am a runner, and a lifter and a proud gym rat… and so eager to learn as much about fitness as I can.

Then there are all of the things fitness has taught me.

Courage.

Something happened in life that made me make this change. I stood up for myself and as a reward I suppose life gave me a new beginning. I see it all as a blur now, and rapid… I just remember waking up one day and being 40 lbs lighter. Literally. That is where it all picks up in my brain. When I truly became conscious of the changes I had made and started to build my life again around those changes.

This is when my courage really kicked in, I joined the gym. I got a personal trainer. I lifted weights… like where on earth did this girl come from? And why did she take so long! My self conscious self had road blocked me my entire life. Very few times did I take a risky road, or a leap of faith. I played it safe. I did only what I KNEW I could and stuck to the shallow end of the pool… so to say.

I still fight that demon, daily. However I now have this voice in my head that says “Fuck it…” and I try. Sometimes I fail, but it only makes me think about what I did wrong and how I can make it work. The times I succeed though, wow…those moments feel AMAZING. I hate to bring in the gym examples (not 😉 cause I know you all love to hear about the gym from all your gym rat friends 😉 The feeling of upping your weights, adding another couple pounds or reps whether it be 5,20, or a plate has become so gratifying to me. It is truly a feeling I have rarely felt. The accomplishment from HARD WORK and persistence I have to say in kind of new to me.

Strength.

You never really think about your strength until you are looking for it. Your strength to believe, your strength to move forward, to face change and to reach for your goals. Just to name a few amongst many others that we hold.

We all have it within us… in every single form that it presents itself. It is how we choose to use it that makes it so powerful.

Strength is the invisible muscle. It doesn’t just appear, you have to work on it. You have to nurture it and train it, rip it apart so it can heal and become better then before. The more you throw at it, the more it will grow. What does that mean? Well, it means, your heart has been broken… it isn’t the first time and maybe not the last, good lord it hurts though. But guess what, that heart ache is growth. Your heart is being torn apart, but a torn muscle if nurtured properly actually is a good thing. It is going to heal and be way better then before. It is going to grow! You are going to be so ready for that next love and your heart is going to be bigger and stronger then ever before, ready for what ever is thrown at it! Whether it be another heart ache (which hey means more growth! YAY!) Or it is going to mean you have met the love of your life and your heart is so big you can give them all the love they deserve and MORE!

Or to step away from the love topic, maybe you are going in for a big job or promotion. It doesn’t pan out in your favour. Are you going to mope around and settle for a job you are unhappy with? Or are you going to press forward in search of the next? You said press forward right…? Of course you did 🙂 Cause guess what, maybe that was a hit to your ego, bruised it up a little bit but you threw a bandaid on that minor dent and looked for positive solutions. Guaranteed you learnt SOMETHING from the experience and you GREW. You are now stronger and ready for the next.

Whatever the scenario, life isn’t easy but the more strength you have at the end of the day the better you will be able to handle it. So, roll with the punches, get beat up a bit, WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!! Amirate 😉

Patience.

What’s the saying? Rome wasn’t built in a day…

Now I am BAD for this one. I get ideas in my head and I want them NOW. I need to work on that. I get so frustrated with trying to figure out the path sometimes I give up before I even try. Bad Becca..BAD.

Everything takes some sort of effort, no matter how easy some people make it look. Just because you see someone whip by you in their fancy ass Cadillac as you’re rolling in your sweet Topaz doesn’t mean they got it over night. You need to think about what it took for them to get there and how long. Maybe they started out on the bus, or on foot. Maybe they worked 24/7 for years to get to this point. WARNING GYM ANALOGY** Hey Arnold, were you born with that physique? Hell no! HARD WORK & SACRIFICE got him those pipes! Good on him, the struggle is real!

Either way, how often do you feel good about something you rushed? And how often does it come out right? You need to make plans, and stick to them. Talk yourself into whatever it is you must do, stay late to get that final bit of work done or go in early, work over time go the extra mile! Rise to the occasion and push till defeat… but not final defeat… rest…regroup and round 2!.. or 5 or 10! Just KEEP GOING.

Being powerful within yourself is the biggest blessing a person can have. If you have the strength, courage and patience to defeat your own self doubt you most certainly can trample anyone else negative doubt towards you.

So go get em’ tiger!

Show them (and yourself) what you are made of!

xoxo

B

 

 

 

 

Daydream…. among the shadows

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It’s still so funny to me how the smallest things in life can have such huge impact on your way of thinking.

I have always been a day dreamer, often getting lost in my own worlds for as long as I can remember. Walking home from the school bus and taking detours through the woods so I could imagine tiny worlds living around me full of fairies and magical beetles. Even lying in bed at night I can remember my room transforming into far away lands and getting lost in those spaces I created.

As an adult, life has little time for such imagination. Instead of making up magical little worlds I am engulfed in the real one surrounding me. I still catch myself daydreaming many times a day, but I am lost now in more of a pondering state, how this world has been moulded to where it is now.

We are the backbone of a dream, of many dreams. Especially as Canadians, our country is still so young but has come so far. Our not so distant family members settled this land on their hopes and dreams for us, their future and ours.

It’s so crazy to think where we are and to even try to imagine where we truly came from.

As a photographer, my brain has been trained to see light. And that is exactly how I see the world. Light defines the way I look at just about everything. I can say right now, light has often been the gateway to my daydreams.

Walking around this city keeps my brain very occupied. Passing through the casted shadows of the tall buildings to casting shadows of my own upon the streets below me, creating moving, time sensitive, art.

Looking up has also become a thrill to me. I often stare way above our typical line of view and I can say pretty much every time I have it has made me smile. To see the corner of a building being highlighted by the mid afternoon sun is beautiful. The shadows hugging the corners and curves and defining the architectures visual dreams. Stunning.

Shadows are my favourite.

I feel like they hold their very own story, and you have only a small time frame to figure it out. As with life, it goes so quickly and by the time you figure a portion of it out it is time for everything to change again. Do we ever figure it out? Is that a thing? As you feel like you are getting closer the sun is still moving, the shadow is thinning out and your opportunity is fading. So many missed opportunities.

However, there will be another and you will have learnt to move quicker and make better decisions so when that shadow does fade away you will have taken something from that moment and you can bring it forward with you in the development of your dreams.

Dreams, whether they are daydreams or future dreams or even dreams of the past they are exactly what you make of them. No one is ever going to see your dream as you do, they may listen and visualize what you are saying but they have a very different view in their own heads. You have built these dreams out of who you are and who you want to be. Hold them close and be proud of them, grow them and challenge them. They are yours to chase and mould and see through!

On your next walk to work, or the gym, or to get your morning coffee, look up. Take in what you see, no one is seeing it like you are. Take note of that fact. That is YOUR moment. Now later, on your walk home whether it be after a long day at work or spending some time with a friend, look up again. It isn’t going to feel the same, something has changed. The light has moved, the entire feeling you felt before has been transformed. Life kept moving around you. You are standing in the same spot, but everything is different. Take it in again. This moment is yours, take it in…

Life is to short to stand around and daydream yes… but also life is to short to run around with your chin down and to let the world pass you by. Every step you take in every single direction you are surrounded by dreams, let some of them be yours.

 

XOXO

B

About Pony Tails High

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Leg day, Lifting heavy, Squats… squats… squats…

FRUSTRATION… I am so in the zone but my hair keeps getting stuck under the bar.

I put the bar down, reach up and pull that pony to the very top of my head. There, out of the way. Back to business.

I look up and see myself in the mirror, squatting 145 lbs on my shoulders. Wow, how life has changed, and the perfect metaphor RIGHT in front of me. I tend to carry the weight of the world and take on more then I should and stretch myself to the limits to help others. This is not a flaw in my eyes, if I can help you I will… or I will do my very best to in any way possible.

I WANT to help. I WANT everyone to be happy and healthy and most of all I WANT you all to feel loved. So I will happily help you carry the weight until you are strong enough to do so yourself.

In that reflection I also see that blond little pony tail now standing tall above me and I think… hmmm, this is familiar. In my head I start breaking down how often I put my pony up so high. Every time seems to come down to when I am getting serious about something. When things get busy at work I pause and tighten that sucker up, when I am home and doing housework..up she goes! When I am SHOPPING you know that hair isn’t getting in the way!

I had to laugh at myself, what a silly thing that makes me feel so empowered… but also what a great thing for me to realize! Now this doesn’t mean if my hair is down and flowing that I am not taking life or the project at hand seriously, just that I don’t need as much concentration for that particular task perhaps.

Now, I know you girls can relate to this. After a long day of your hair being up… how gratifying is it to pull that elastic out when you get home any give your hair a shake? Just about as great as ditching the bra AMIRITE?! 😉 Time to relax.

Back to the point, I have started this blog in hopes of bringing strong people together. I want to share my insights and experiences in this life to not only grow as an individual but also as part of a global team of fierce independent and strong human beings.

My hopes are to reach out and to empower each other. I am focused on making a difference in your life. I want to be here for you. I want to see you smile and hear you laugh. I want you to feel like you are the Queen or King that I see you as.

So, I have lots of elastics to go around! Or if you are the sock bun type I can find some old socks for you too!

Lets pull it together, bring it up high and lock it in.

It’s our time.

Get to business with your bad self!

 

xoxo

B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ME.

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Oh… Hello there, so great to finally meet you.

I have known of you for many years, I knew you existed I just kept missing you somehow. And now, here we are, face to face. Emotions are high and questions are beginning to pile up. But silence. I need to take you in. I need to really see you.
Why?

Why did it take you so long to get to me?.. Why did you lurk in the shadows and around corners? Why didn’t you show yourself when I needed you?

Most importantly, why NOW?

Time.

Time has always been an enemy to me. I am in a constant battle with it.

From making time, to saving time to simply having time. All in the same, but all different and not a skill I attain.

The time however is here, and it won’t last. I must make my move NOW. It is time to own up, to make decisions and to get out there.

Own it.

Own myself. Own my strengths and build on my flaws. Recognize the chapters in my life that were teaching me something and start learning from them. I know very well that everything happens for a reason and each moment should be well evaluated and taken into consideration going forward.

Learn.

Learn to learn. Start using these life lessons, remember when that didn’t work out? Why didn’t it? Should you try going at it from a different angle or perspective? Or should you simply move on?

Question.

Question everything. Why do you feel bad about this? Why do you feel great about that? Take from those feelings to make positive and rewarding choices going forward.

This is my pep talk to ME.

I just met ME. I really like ME. I can’t wait to get to know ME. I can’t wait to grow ME and test ME and push ME.

So please…. Follow me, encourage me and simply have faith in me.

Because me isn’t me… without YOU.

xoxo

B